I've spent months planning my weight loss journey. To how i wanted to achieve it, to what foods I'll eat, the exercise I will do... I've spent hours watching YouTube videos, procrastinating.
I've wanted this just enough that I researched it, but as far as doing anything - well, it just didn't happen. But today, well today is different and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure what triggered my mind today to say nope, that's enough! No more researching - it's time for action.
Could it have been eating chocolate until heart burn set in? Or maybe that i put on my favourite baggy pants yesterday and they aren't baggy any more? Or maybe it's because as I write this, I'm sitting alone in my home, terrified to go and enjoy the day with family and friends because I'm too uncomfortable with my appearance to even try to leave the house? Being judged is no fun. But putting a bit smile on your face, knowing that people are going to judge you, is HARD! Today i chose a different type of hard.
I've spent my entire life being over weight. My back hurts so much that at some points I have to sit to prepare dinner, my joints hurt, my knees hurt. My fucking pride hurts. I don't ever remember a time when weight wasn't an issue. When i wasn't pointed at, laughed at or stared at for being over weight, I hate people watch me eat, or be judged at the super market for what I am buying. But in the past, all it's done is made me soothe myself more with food.
I don't remember a time when I could walk or run after my 4 amazing children, or play with them without being out of breath, or in pain. I crave that more than anything. I crave being the mother i had always dreamed of being to them. And i hate myself for getting to this point without trying to change. A few short weeks ago we went out as a family for dinner, I was mocked, pointed and laughed at and it broke my heart. I'm so thankful that my children didn't witness these peoples disgusting behaviour towards another human being - I want them to spend their childhood believing there's good people in this world, and I do not want them to experience the shame of watching their mother, being almost 40 and pointed and laughed at like that. It's time to change, and it's time to do it for me, and them.
Today is different. Today I woke with a passion for myself that I've not felt before. I've started action. I've been in the kitchen making myself some healthy treats, so that I don't give up after 2 seconds looking in the fridge and go for a bag of chips because I can't be bothered. I want to love myself enough to treat my body in a way that's healthy, and nourishing - not like the rubbish pile I treat it now.
I began to exercise - yoga.I was only able to do a few minutes of the exercise, but I'm proud of myself for trying. I could have easily 'researched' a little more without action. That's easy to do! But I'm proud of me, for taking that first step of a thousand miles and one step closer to my goal of losing weight and being healthy! Some poses were almost impossible to do, but I tried them and found one in particular not as hard as i had imagined! Success! This girl is smiling!
I'm not yet ready to share my before pictures or weight - I am just so very ashamed that I let myself get this far without slapping sense into myself. Why, why did i let myself get this big - why do i torture myself and soothe with food?! Why did it take nearly my entire adult life to decide enough was enough and make that change?!
I don't know - but from this point onwards I refunds to beat myself up over it. It's time to stop, take a deep breath and move forward into my happy, healthy future.
My name is Bec and I plan on making the rest of my life amazing.
